Women’s bodies are a wonderland. They are also consistently under-studied in medicine, especially their reproductive systems. This seems astounding, considering conservatives go on about women needing to reproduce, and liberals are obsessed with the right to choose. Both are tall measures when women can barely understand their own anatomy because doctors can’t help them to be more precise on the issues they face. Historically, there has been and continues to be a lack of research funds for understanding female soma and how it works. Unsurprisingly, many women can’t have children because of long undiagnosed problems like Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) or ovulation issues. Some women choose not to have children because the risk to their bodies seems too high, and solutions to those problems are lacking. The lack of care or concern for women’s health makes the idea of childbearing challenging to consider.
As of this writing, raising a child from birth to age eighteen costs almost $240,000. You could buy a four-bedroom house in Oklahoma for that money. The average American currently makes $60,000 a year. Where I live, that wage doesn’t get you far; it won’t even get you a one-bedroom apartment. How many people have an extra $13,000 annually to allocate to diapers, toys, and baby food? Earning potential and income concerns are entirely understandable reasons not to procreate. The financial responsibility of having a child feels risky the way the economy is going.
Fires, floods, tornadoes, extreme heat, air that is not safe to breathe, flesh-eating bacteria, and oceans over 100 degrees. This is our current situation here. Knowing that you are choosing to bring another human being into this shit show does seem oblivious, but if it isn’t bothersome for your kid to grow up learning how to live underwater and wearing masks all the time, excellent. For some, these issues weigh heavily. They may have once considered babies a need, but the environment itself being so uninviting shifted the tides, and some can no longer bear the idea of bringing new life onto the planet.
Pandemics, wars, and extreme weather are normal now. If it’s not Covid 19, it’s the Avian Flu. If Russia isn’t starting some shit with Ukraine, then it is Israel and Palestine going at it. Climate experts think by 2050, we may not be able to work outside, food shortages will increase, allergies will worsen, as will sleep, and we will lose natural space. How would a brand-new human acclimate to this tragic hell-scape we have created? What will it all look like when they are our age?
The other day, I woke up to a local news story. A 46-year-old man was found dead, missing his arms and legs. His body was discovered where I like to take beach walks every morning. R*pe, incest, cults, s*x trafficking, child p***ography, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse run rampant in our society. Our former president likes to “grab p***ies.” The Dalai Lama asks little boys to “suck his tongue.” Don’t even get me started on priests. How can one entrust an innocent to a world filled with people engaging in this fuckery?
Do you know how long some mothers have to take off from work for pregnancy, birth, and taking care of their infant? Sometimes, it’s months; often, it’s years. The career they spent a decade or more cultivating will be all washed out because they decided to have a child. This is chillingly unfair, but it’s the reality. Professional women with children often don’t receive promotions. They are treated with bias when returning from parental leave, essentially demoted from their duties and not considered up to doing what they once did so well. My friends who have been and continue to be subjected to this treatment in the workplace, it breaks something in them, something not easily fixed or replaced.
Some women just don’t want to have children, and contrary to popular belief, that is psychologically sound, healthy, and totally okay. Just leave it be. Don’t be that person who asks a woman at age 18, 28, 33, 40, and every year in between, “But why wouldn’t you want to have them” Do not tell them they’re missing out on one of “life’s greatest joys”; They are sure of their decision. Trust them, and don’t judge. They will do the same for you, just as long as you don’t sit beside them on the subway with your screaming child.
Jianna Heuer is a psychotherapist in New York City. She writes non-fiction and fiction. Her work has appeared in Months To Years, The Inquisitive Eater, Across The Margin, and other literary journals. Her flash non-fiction has appeared in two books, Fast Funny Women and Fast Fierce Women. Check out more of her work here.